I’ve already written about growing older. In that post, I talked about growing older and somehow having both more and less confidence than when I was a teenager. I talked about the fear of putting myself out there in the world, dealing with the adulty things, and the weird sense of knowing that sometimes no matter what you do, it’ll never be enough or good enough.
Three and a half years later, I stand by my almost-coherent ramble about growing older. But thankfully, I think I’m more confident than I expected, and I’m better at navigating things and dealing with all the fuckall challenges adult life has thrown me.
Of course, it doesn’t negate the fact that growing up means change. And most of the time, it’s a good, necessary change. But that doesn’t mean it’s a painless change.
When I left home at twenty to study in the UK for grad school, it was easier than it was to leave home this time, five years later. Back then, everyone was leaving or doing something they needed to get their careers going. On graduation day, I had accepted that maybe we wouldn’t all be together in the same place at the same time ever again.
And while that was mostly true, the pandemic gave me a gift I never expected in my wildest dreams. Somehow, most of my friends and loved ones reconnected even more on zoom and, eventually, in person. So many of us came back home to our city, or at least our country, to wait out the pandemic. We were all stuck together in this timeless loop, so over zoom calls, game nights, and week-long sleepovers at each other’s places, we bonded on a deeper level.
We’re different people outside our college campus. That place had shaped and been much of our identity for five years, but after two years of doing our own thing, this time, when we reconnected, we were able to get to know who we really are — outside of lectures, college fests, and exams.
So, this time, when I had to leave home, it hurt way more. Because this time, I know we won’t get another unexpected pandemic to reconnect. We’re five years older, so now most of us are scattered and settled around the world. Others will soon marry their chosen life partners and potentially have kids — somehow, that idea doesn’t seem as ludicrous as it did before. But that means we’re all gonna have less and less time for each other.
I hate having to grow up and grow older. Adult life is lonelier than people think, and it’s so fucking difficult to make friends. But what do you do when you have a great set of friends, but you’re all living on different continents, trying to call each other across time zones? You keep measuring others to them, but you can’t create the same bond you forged at fifteen.
It’s not impossible, though. During grad school and later, during the pandemic, I made friends with folks who were in my college, but somehow our paths didn’t cross when we would’ve been able to meet in person. Four years later, our friendships are strong and healthy — I haven’t ever met one in person, others I haven’t seen in fours, and yet others I only befriended in the last two years, but I think it’s gonna be a lifelong friendship.
There’s really no point to this post, but I just wanted to express just how fucked up, and brilliant adulthood and adult friendships are at the same time. Last night, as I looked at videos we’d taken during trips, sleepovers, and house parties, I thought — I should make a point to meet everyone at least once a year, no?
But that’s such a naïve and idealistic plan. Navigating families, partners, uni schedules, career changes, and more means that the chances of meeting each of my friends at least once in three years will be a great thing. Somehow, I just have to accept that? I don’t know if I can.
Say, won’t you stay forever, stay
– Here’s to never growing up, avril lavigne (2013)
If you stay forever, hey
We can stay forever young
I’m grateful for the age we live in. Video calls make things easier, even if they’ll never be the same as hanging out with your friend, seeing them snort in laughter and basically die laughing for a bit over the stupidest joke. It’s something, at least.
There’s a line in Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani, a movie that never fails to remind me of college somehow, that goes, “Kuch logon ke saath, waqt bitane se sab theek ho jaata hai.”
Loosely translated, it means,
Spending time with some people just makes you feel like it’s all gonna be okay.”
– YEH JAWAANI HAI DEEWANI (2013)
This is my translation of it, at any rate.
When I was younger, I never imagined I’d be able to make and have such a wonderful set of friends. I’ll always wish I had longer with them, time to spend around them, learning their stupid habits, the dishes they like and the ones they hate, the jokes they crack over and over again.
We’re all amalgamations of the people we choose to surround ourselves with. Our hearts, brains, and souls are filled with pieces of information, of little tidbits of useless knowledge about them — one hates eggplant, so you send them dishes exclusively, including that because that’s how you communicate. Another’s number is imprinted into your brain, so even in another country, you can dial it on autopilot — how do you go about learning these things again in peak adulthood?
A drama I finished watching last night, Hospital Playlist, gave me some hope, though. Five 40yo doctors go through life and work being around each other and living their daily lives but still making time for each other. Just like FRIENDS, really, but a bit more wholesome. I know it’s fictional TV, but art mirrors reality, right? So it’s very (hopefully) doable to keep in touch, meet my friends, and hang out with them — even if it’s not the exact same going forward.
The pandemic was fucked up in many, many ways, but I’m glad for the silver lining it gave my friends and me — more (stolen) time with each other.
Please pour a drink (non-alcoholic works too!) for your friends — old, new, and those who’ll come in the future to befriend you and be a part of your life.
P.S. This is a part of my personal musings, so please don’t expect perfect grammar and/or sentences. We don’t think in perfect sentences, so I don’t write these posts like that either. If you’re a client or someone who wants to judge my writing skills, feel free to check out my newsletter instead. TIA!
